Almost 3 ... who will you be?

This morning you told me you were going to be a rocket man. Yesterday it was a fire man. The day before that it was someone who helps people. You are never asked the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" You just tell me... out of the clear blue... never expecting it and it always never ceases to surprise me. In a few short months you will be turning three years old and I can't believe how time has passed, but more than that I can't believe how amazing and SMART you are only have lived on this earth three years. So much has changed with you, me, and our family it's hard to remember what it used to be like. It makes me wonder what will the next three years have in store. Where will you be in age, maturity, and character. What about you will stay the same as it always has and what will blossom and develop into something greater, something different. How will I change as a mother, a wife, and a person? This has been my most challenging year to date. Losing your brother this year was hard, but now even harder is the fact that you can grasp the concept of what a brother is and how do I explain to you the brother you had and lost. You know what death is, but you don't know why or what happens after it. And for a family that doesn't believe in a heaven that concept is extremely hard to explain.
You said to me last night what my necklace said. And I said to you, Maximus Hero Garrett. You then said to me, my brother. It cut like a knife so deep, even deeper than I imagined. My heart is broken as I think about what this year could have been like for you because of how badly you want a brother or sibling and how you could have that had he survived. After you said he was your brother you proceed to tell me that he died and when I confirmed it you looked confused, like died was a location and you wanted to know where he went. Then you told me fireman Sam (a cartoon you are inlove with) would save him and I said Maybe? And then you hugged me.
I wonder sometimes what goes on in your head. What you thought as the whole pregnancy played out and we came home sad. I wonder how subconsciously it has affected you if any at all. We choose to keep you mostly in the dark because we figured you wouldn't be able to understand, but almost a year later I can see now that... tell you or not,  you knew something wasn't right. How crazy for us to put it past you. You being this sponge of knowledge, why wouldn't you pick up on it. You're  the most empathic two year old I have met. I know it sounds so bizarre, but you care more than some grown adults and you share a passion as if, even though your two, you understand the most purest of emotions that we feel. I fear that if another pregnancy happens you will feel the same way towards it as you did towards my pregnancy with Max. You will fear for me and be sad and worry.
I just want you to know later if you ever read this that you saved my life this year. You saved it a ways you will never know or understand. You pulled me from darkness and every day showed me a bright light of joy and happiness. You make me proud everyday as you say please and thank you or when we leave a store you tell them "I'll be back again soon." Not just for those reasons am I proud of you. I proud of you because of the gentle senstivity you show towards me, dad, and everyone.
Tommorrow you may want to be a runner or conductor when you grow up.
I may not know what you will be professionally when you grow up, but what I do know is a heart like yours and a brain like yours you will move mountains and effect those around everyday as you already do Atticus.
I LOVE YOU
MOM
2/25/14

what a wonderful time! 0-16 wks

So, here we go again expecting our second child and this blog is to keep up with this little baby as I had one with my other little baby... it's only fair. HEHE
So, let me back track...
In Dec 2012 Justin and I held our very first Christmas at OUR HOUSE, the first house we have ever bought, in good ol' AL. It was a really exciting time I spent probably the majority of the time in the kitchen, which was what I loved! Meanwhile, my whole family, parents, brothers, and Atticus (2nd Christmas) played and enjoyed the cold.
                    Little did we know! There was a baby a brewin!
Unfortunately, my yia ya past away a few days after Christmas... this brought about a huge family gathering in Chicago for a wk of embracing her memory and spending lost time with loved ones we don't see as often as we would like. The whole week my mom was so sick and I felt a little off my self. When we arrived home I really felt sick every morning and caught myself gagging a few times. It dawned on me that this was a very familiar feeling from when I got pregnant with Atticus. A few days passed I decide to buy a test, I was so sure it was gonna come out negative I took the test at my parents house one night we were visiting for dinner. We had talked about starting to try to get pregnant at the start of the new year it just happened fast. So, much to my surprise out popped to pink lines and bam baby number two is on the way and our family just got a little bigger. I was surprised, but overwhelmed with utter joy... as I ran out of the bathroom grabbed Justin and made sure I wasn't seeing double. I wasn't and the rest was history.
I made a drs. appt asap and found out I was only 5 wks along which was what I figured which means we probably got pregnant around Christmas time!  I found out Jan. 17th 2013!
All has gone fine so far with the pregnancy not tooo much morning sickness, which is kinda new for me and I was really tired up until 12 wks and then I spent the whole time from them till now sick actually the whole house has been, but I got it the worst for sure. I am still struggling to get rid of the ear infection that has been haunting me for a month now. Tomorrow I go in for my 16 wk check up and all should be good. I will find out in a month (right around Atticus bday) if you are a boy or girl!!!
So excited for our new addition!!!

Time flys but I am still standing here

Today is Nov. 20th, 2012 and the year is coming to a close! What a overwhelming, fantastic, crazy year it has been.
I living in a place/state I do not normally care to live, but oddly enough my journey in life has taken me to this destination. It is not a place I see my family living for the life or really even staying in for over five years, but it is where I am at now and I adapt. I experienced my first true fall/autumn in so many years I can't even remember when I saw a leaf fall from a tree! Some wouldn't even consider this a true state for seasons, but for me Florida is a far cry from any seasons.
It was wonderful seeing colors explode in front of the blue clear sky. The colors of crimson red and rusty orange, and citric yellow would fall to the pavement, and the tires of cars would crush the color into every crack and crevices like a shoe crushes a crayon into the carpet, painting the pavement a beautiful blend of autumn colors. I watched the leaves fall from the trees and a gust of wind pick them up and spin then across the horizon and it was as if the leaves were dancing with each other spinning to the unheard music! It has been a wonderful way to watch the seasons transition. Now the leaves are almost gone and the wind it creating a bone chilling coldness. And meanwhile, time keeps flying by while I am standing here.
I've watched my son change from a baby to toddler in this time, I have heard his first words over and over, and they fill me with pride and joy. He keeps me standing here in awe!!! of his accomplishments and small defeats while still standing tall and ready learn. He is the reason time seems to fly by all the while I stand here watching. He is remarkable!
I for the first time feel more complete with my husband and my son than even imaginable. I am full of love for these two who make life sooooo worth living.
I am enamored by the love and attraction for my husband, that after all the years I still get a tingle in my stomach for him . I can't believe that it's even possible how much more handsome he continues to get! I have what I want in life right in this perfect little moment there is not much more I could ask for ... except for my a little girl?

Am I a blogger now?

I sometimes can find myself lost in other people's worlds through this concept of blogging. You can find advice, creative ideas, and all around funny and intriguing stories of peoples lives, thoughts and ideas. I am not one of these people or am I now? The concept of blogging is hard to wrap my brain around, is this my own online journal for me to look back on and reminisce about these times or is it a place where others will come seeking advice or a good laugh. Either which way I don't know and don't care. My life is changing fast and I have decide this will be a good place to document it. Read this or not it is truly for me. I wonder if I will find myself bring out my old school poetic self that used to be a very strong part of who I once was or will I just be a person applying thoughts on paper... oops I'm sorry.. a computer screen hoping to find a release or my own answers into my questions. In reality I think this will just be a place to dump all the words I never say out loud and will consequently come off as jabbering. Tomato-TOmAto. This is what it is ... watcha gonna do about it.

One year of motherhood has past

So Atticus, you are almost 14 months old and it's hard to believe that one year has come and gone  what feels like a blink of an eye! It's pretty crazy to think that this time last year you were only months into life outside of my belly. More remarkable than that is you and I survived to first year of parenting and being parented lol! I know and feel all the sweet, gushy, emotion you are supposed to feel after the first year, but I can't deny what a challenging, demanding, and learning experience this first year of your life has been for me. After four years + of college and everything they cram into our brains nothing was as quick learning and as much information as it was to be your mother this first year
I have learned the true appreciation for a silent room, I have learned how to change a diaper in seconds, how to make you smile, how to cook every meal even if I don't feel like cooking, I have learned the love for sleep that I never get now and never appreciated when I had the time to sleep all I wanted (except for when I was pregnant), I have learned what unconditional true love is and how important it is to express it always even when frustrated. I have learned that my lowest day is still better that most peoples best days, I have also learned that it is okay to have low days and days to myself (which I am still trying to embrace). I have learned you are probably more independent that I am and I am okay with that. I have learned to be your teacher, role model and friend. I have learned the true art of patience and how that is so important for you because you are just learning. I got a chance to teach you how to sit up, crawl, walk, sign language, talk and DANCE!
I have been there for every tear, booger, spit up, poopy diaper, messy eating extravaganza, and hug, kiss, high five, and sound sleeps. I have survived my first year of motherhood and as dirty as my shirts get, as tired as my eyes feel, and as destroyed my house always looks as I swim in toys... it is the best life and I wouldn't trade it. For every negative the positives of just your smile or excitement to see me oveRULES it all. You are so happy most days and the most loving and friendly baby I know.

For mothers just starting out, or for the mothers who are on my timeline and feel the whoa and joy of succeeding in this first year just realize these children are priority numero uno and time may seem forever but in a blink the will be grown. For new mothers take each day at a time, for the 1 yr experience mothers take each minute as it comes and for all other mothers hold on the each second because we can't stop time, but we can try to hold on as long as we can!

9 months old next week

O the places you have been! O the things that you have seen! O what experiences and adventures have you gone through and all with this glowing, brighten anyones day smile on your face. There is truly nothing better than you in this life for me and your dad right now! No obstacle is too big when you get to wake up and greet you in the morning. You are our sunshine even when the day is gray and rainy. You are the warmth on our skin, the glow on our cheeks, and the twinkle in our eye. It is hard to believe just how fast that you have grown in these few short months. Before you were born, I would have consider 9 months to be a fair amount of time in a year span, but with you here it seems like no time at all, a flash of lightning almost. It seems that way, but then I look down at you pulling your sweet self up on my jeans and I gasp in amazement in how just a short 9 months you have changed. I swear these last few weeks, everyday I feel you have truly got bigger or longer. To see change in appearance is amazing, but to see change in you cognitive ability is miraculous. I feel the one year mark quickly approaching marking the celebration of your birth and I sit in amazement of all that you have accomplished. My dad said something very witty today that made me stop and think just what an gift it is to watch a baby, but especially you, learn. He said, "if an adult could learn just as quickly as a baby we would all be geniuses." What a true statement that is. You are a sponge in the sea of life soaking up all its qualities to be learned. My heart flutters and my stomach tickles to think of you from a newborn to this age. I can only imagine what you will have in store of me in the very near future. So, what's been happening that has got me talking like this, I am sure you are wondering... boy o boy what has been happening.
You finally got to experience your first Christmas and what a Christmas it was. TOYS TOYS TOYS, but more importantly PAPER, PAPER, and MORE PAPER. I mean because that is what the true meaning of Christmas is to an infant. :) Just the three of us for Christmas and I won't have had it any other way. Pajamas and all! Not to soon after did we embark on your first plane ride to Chicago to take you to meet the family. We took 2 planes there, 2 planes back, a hand full of  car rides, 2 train rides, and did some walking. As usual you were the hit of the trip and the best sport there is! You never shed a tear on any planes or trains. You slept and played. You sucked people in, STRANGERS, with your charm and good manners and to imagine you weren't even 8 months old yet. We welcome our first new year with you in Chicago with a family bash that you quietly bowed out of because it was your bed time. You met cousins, 1st cousins, and so,e once removed cousins lol, you met great aunts and uncles, and made new friends. You got to see and play in snow for the first time ever in your life, although you didn't know much of what to think about it you did try to eat it and it was cold. You traveled to the city and walked the streets with us in you Bjorn. You froze so much that we had to go get some food to defrost! You loved what it seemed to be every min. of it. Expect for bedtime of course! Still not sleeping through the night, but it is getting better. You are crawling faster than superman can fly. Your knees even get chapped from it! After the trip we came home and left the next day for a 6 hour drive so that daddy could go on a interview a Infopro, his first really interview after college, plus you got to see gpa and gma for the weekend. We got back to Tallahassee for only one short week to learn dad had gotten the job and we had to move in 2 weeks to be back to Huntsville, AL. We packed and thanks to the help of your wonderful Uncle Leo we made it out and up to Huntsville by the skin of our teeth. Now here we are one week into living in a new place and I think you think you are still on a really long vacation. It probably doesn't help that we are temporarily staying with gpa and gma so we can find a place. They are loving it though, at least I think so. Most of all, you are loving it. All the people all the attention and never a dual day. At first it seemed you and gpa were so tight, but recently you have found a great buddy in gma. You pull yourself up and bang on her door and whimper until she opens it. This, however, does not discredit the bond you have with gpa. Something really special between you too. Something you have with no one else. It is wonderful the brightness you bring to his life, a light a rarely saw in the last few years until you came along. Likewise in all of our lives. Part of me wishes I could stop time and keep you in these perfect moment that I see you in, but another part of me doesn't because I so look forward to watching you grow into this wonderful man that I know will do great things. If nothing else you will bring joy into my life and all of the people that will surround you. Because of you the world is already a better place and once again, you are only almost 9 months old.
Ps. You are starting to figure out that the legs you stand on can make you walk amazing right?!
All my love,
Mommy